literature

Mechanical affairs a JCP Short story

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Literature Text

It was nearing the late afternoon and the sun shone like a spotlight through the dirty, old kitchen window. Well, that isn’t the way I would have explained it, I’m not that poetic. However I did want to start off this story with a nice bit of imagery. What was I talking about? Oh yeah. So I was in the kitchen making myself a sandwich. That doesn’t sound nearly as pretty as before but what can you do. I would have asked one of the workers who were on break to do it but it was the weekends and a holiday was coming up so pretty much everybody except a few select people left and aren’t coming back until Tuesday. I however live here so I’m not going anywhere.

I was making a sandwich called the Albatross and the reason why I named it after a bird is because my boss really likes birds so practically everything here has something to do with them either in name or in shape. The house I live in is called “The Owl Nest.” From the outside, it just looks like a normal house with orange plastic paneling and a blood red shingled roof. However, the house is more of a cover for what the building really is. Actually I wouldn’t say it was so much a building as it is a “Facility” but that is a minor note.

How you make the Albatross isn’t really that important. It’s not that much different from a regular sandwich. But I had nothing else to do so I was just standing in front of the counter, smearing mayonnaise on a piece of baloney, thinking about how I can take this sandwich to the next level. All of a sudden, my phone begins to ring. I pulled it out and checked the caller ID the way a normal person would. “Hawk, Elizabeth” the little words on the illuminated screen said. My friend Ezi was calling. I pressed the answer button, put it against my ear and before I could say anything, she was already talking.

“Jury, Dr. Passenger wants to see you in Lab C.” She said. “Really? Did you need to call me to tell me that? It’s pretty much just you, me and Doctor Passenger in the Owl’s Nest right now: you could have just used the intercom system.” I said. “Dr. Passenger said that we were running low on energy and that he had to turn off a lot of the systems that we didn’t necessarily need. That doesn’t matter though. Just hurry up and get down here. Don’t keep The Passenger waiting.” She said with a hint of irritation in her voice.

Immediately she hung up. She does that a lot. It gets kind of obnoxious after a while. I set down the knife and start making my way to the door that leads to the elevator because I figured that would be one utility that was important enough for Dr. Passenger to leave back on. I began to wonder what it was Dr. Passenger wanted me to see. If it required a whole lot of energy, it was probably something big. Then again, I was no stranger to the wonders that the Passenger created. I tap a few buttons on the silvery pad and after a few moments the iron doors slid open into the elevator. I punched in the numbers for Floor 4 and rode the elevator down into the bowels of Passenger Inc. When the doors opened, I stepped out into what I could only describe as the hall of the future.

The paneling on the walls was smooth, white, and shiny like the sides of a toilet bowl. The ceiling was lined with bright blue circular lights that ran up and down the corridor. The hallway was wide enough and long enough to fit close to a crowd of people but right now, it was just me. I walked around the corridors, using the signs on the walls to find Lab D, even though by now I should have already known the place by heart. The signs however were sometimes trite and hard to discern from each other because sometimes they only said either “Labs that way” or “bathrooms this way” and we have several labs and hundreds of bathrooms in this facility. So naturally, after like 15 minutes I got lost.

Fortunately I ran into Ezi who was the only other person that I had seen in the hallway. She was dressed sort of like a secretary with a neat black blouse and a nice formal brown skirt which is how she usually dresses. I was happy to see her because it meant she could direct me to Lab C. However, she was not nearly as happy to see me. “What is taking you so long? Do you know how long you have kept Dr. Passenger waiting?” She said when she saw me. “Yeah sorry about that. If you haven’t noticed, all the hallways look exactly the same and the signs couldn’t possibly be more uninformative.”  I said. “I don’t have time for this! Listen, in case you have forgotten again, Lab C is down the hallway to the left. Look for the massive blast door with the flashing yellow lights.” She said before rushing past me off to do whatever Ezi does here. I still am not quite sure.

I followed her instructions and just like that, I turn the corner and spotted a big door with a valve-like doorknob that you usually find on the hatch of a submarine door. After showing the scanner my ID card, the door makes a loud hissing sound and slowly opens. Inside is a very large, cylinder shaped room. The lab is about as messy as a 7 year olds bedroom. The floor is littered with steel crates, white tables covered in metallic crap, and off-line machines with mechanical arms strung up motionlessly in the air. But that isn’t the most notable feature of the room. In the middle of the room was a girl.

She looked about my age and hotter then any girl I had ever seen. She had long, orange colored hair and bright blue eyes as well as nice breasts, a good tight body and flawless skin. She was wearing indigo colored jeans, sandals that exposed her perfect feet and a white shirt baring the logo of Passenger Inc; the silhouette of a flying red dove that fit tightly around her torso. When she saw me, she smiled and waved. I for one didn’t really know what to say to or make of her. “Uh…hi? Do you know where….Dr. Passenger is?” I asked awkwardly.

Immediately, as if summoned into the room by the mention of his name, the door to the back of the room flew open and Dr. Passenger walked in. “Oh, hello Jury! Did Ms. Hawk send you here? Good because I need you to test something for me.” He said. I would like to explain how Dr. Passenger looks just to show how weird this guy might seem to anybody who doesn’t know him personally. He has short dark brown hair with blue high lights around the tips. He wears three different types of goggles; a pair of high-tech night vision goggles on his head as well as a pair of ski goggles and scuba-diving goggles that he wears around his neck. He has the typical mad scientist set-up with the white lab coat baring the red dove on his chest pocket as well as two crimson colored gloves. Only on his right arm the sleeve has been completely cut off exposing his bare skin and his left arm is wrapped in several dozen rubber bands.

So yeah, I work for this guy. “Uh, Dr. Passenger, who is this?” I asked, nodding towards the girl in the middle of the room. He walked across the room and put his arm around her shoulder. “This…is my newest invention. Jury, meet Zeta.” He said. “Did….you say ‘invention?’” I asked. “Yep. Zeta is a revolutionary piece in robotics technology. It took me like 45 tries to get it right.” He said. I starred at Zeta who was staring back at me. He must have been joking I thought. There was no way she was a robot. There was no signs of autonomy; no wires, no segments in the skin, nothing to indicate anything other then a pretty face and living skin.

“Dr. Passenger? I am sorry to call you out on your professionalism, but there is no way that this girl…is a machine. That’s impossible.” I said. The Passenger got a look on his face; the same kind he usually gets when somebody challenges his abilities. He takes his arm off Zeta’s shoulder and takes a step over to a nearby table littered in machine parts. “Really? Impossible? How long have you lived here, like five years or so? Do you still doubt my ingenuity? If you say she is not a machine, well then how come I can do this?” He asked. He pulled a shiny black pistol off the table and without hesitation; he pointed the gun and fired at Zeta’s lower back. The shot rang out, nearly bursting my ear drums as I watched the bullet instantly puncture a hole in Zeta’s stomach. Only she barely flinched when she was shot. She didn’t even look like she was in pain. No blood left the small black hole in her T-shirt, nothing at all.

I starred in disbelief. This was getting way too weird. “So you mean to tell me…that you not only constructed a humanoid robot that looks and acts like a person, but is also beautiful and perfect?” I asked. Zeta blushed when she heard that, and Dr. Passenger laughed. “Oh course! Who do you think I am? Some Nasa scientist?” He retorted. “So uh…why did you call me in here?” I asked. “Well I need somebody to test Zeta’s reaction to social contact. That means I would like you to take her on a date.” My heart did a full a flop and so did my stomach. I could feel a headache like you would not believe coming on. “What do you mean ‘take her out on a date?’ I’ve never taken anybody out on a date! Why can’t you do it? You would be more comfortable!” I said.

“What, me? I can’t date Zeta, I created her. If I were to take her out, it would be like a father dating his own daughter. That would just be wrong. So you are the best candidate to do this. Not only that, but you two seem about the same age so people won’t get suspicious.” He said back. “Yeah, I might look her age, but in looks I am WAY out of her league. I look like some weird nerdy little nose-picker next to that goddess, even if she is made out of steel. What makes you think I can handle taking her out?” I asked. “Come on, Jury. You’re selling yourself way too short. You will be fine. All you have to do is take her out to one of the restaurants up in Traction, walk with her around the park, and then take her to Uncle Kevin’s house. He has agreed to house her while I continue working on plans to upgrade her mental capacity. Just drop her off around 7 and make your way back here. It couldn’t be easier, could it?” He asked.

I didn’t really know what to say, so The Passenger just kept on talking. “Great. Then we have a plan. Why don’t you start off the evening by getting her a new shirt. I assume that people will notice if your date has a large bullet wound in her abdomen.” He turned to Zeta and said “Zeta, you are free to go with Jury. Try not to wander off. And don’t cause too many problems for him.” Zeta nodded and walked up to me. “Don’t worry, Jury. I am sure we will have a great time tonight. I will meet you in the living room.” She said. Even her voiced sounded perfect. Once again, there was nothing about her that seemed non-human besides the fact that she was invulnerable to lethal gun shots.

She walked out the door and into the hallway. I began to follow her but was stopped when Dr. Passenger grabbed me by the arm. “Hold on for a sec Jury. I need to tell you this real quick.” He said very seriously. “Listen now. Nobody can find out that Zeta is actually a robot. Do you understand? If my competitors found out that I was constructing exact human replicas, it would become a legal nightmare. So try to keep her away from water so that she doesn’t short circuit. Also, if she becomes too angry, it might trigger the defense mechanism I installed in her, and that would not be good at all. So did you get all that?” He asked. I slowly nodded. His calm smile returned. “Great! Well then I will see you later then.” He said. Then he turned around and walked back into the room in the back of the lab. This was truly becoming a weird day.

Finding my way back up to Floor 1 wasn’t nearly as hard as finding the lab, so it didn’t take as long. Zeta was already waiting for me when I arrived in the living room. Of course, she didn’t know where my room was so I had to guide her up the stairs and into my quarters. The place was just as messy as ever but then again, if I had known that I was going on a date later in the day, I would have pricked up a little. The second I opened the closet, I realized that I didn’t have any shirts for girls. I figured I could go and borrow a friend of mine’s shirt but then again I would have to tell her that Zeta is a robot and Dr. Passenger advised against that. So I gave Zeta one of my shirts. It was a teal colored shirt with the logo of a band called “Fish Are Like” that played at the nearby night club every once in a while.

I handed the shirt to Zeta and told her that it would probably fit her. She nodded and quickly removed her shirt which put me in a position I had never really been before: being in the same room as a super hot girl who was undressing. She took off the shirt and put the one I had handed to her on. It just big enough to fit her, but it was also much tighter then the other shirt. And I mean real tight, as in it almost made her seem slutty. But I was sure that wouldn’t be an issue. “Is it too tight?” I asked. She smiled and said “Not really. I can stand it. So, where are we going to eat?” I thought about it for a moment. In town there was a taco place, a pizza place, and a hamburger place. I figured the best place would be the hamburger place because it was the least popular of the three and so not as many people would be there.

“How about we go to this place called ‘The Beef Barn’ up in Traction? I’ll take you there.” I said. She nodded and we both walked out of the room and down the steps. We walked out of the house and all of a sudden, Zeta looked high as a kite. She stopped and was staring with eyes wide open at everything; slowly scanning everything and looking crazy while doing it. “Zeta? What’s wrong?” I asked. She broke from her trance and said “nothing’s wrong. I just haven’t been outside yet. Everything is so colorful! Inside the rooms are all white but out here there’s blue, and green, and some other color that I can’t really recognize; I guess it’s just a bug in my visualization systems. But besides that, everything is fine! Hey, what is that over there?” She asked, pointing at the tree in the front yard.

“What? The tree? The Passenger didn’t program you with that info?” I asked. She shrugged. “I was only brought online like a week ago. Ms. Hawk says that it is a miracle that I can think and talk at all.” She said. So we established that she was very new to the world which only made things harder for me. I explained to her that when we got in public, no matter what she saw, she couldn’t just blatantly ask out loud what some things were because then she would seem crazy. After a minute or two of explaining, she finally got it and then it was on to phase two: transportation.

I used to get to drive a golf cart around everywhere I went. I kind of lost the privilege when Ms. Hawk caught me racing for money against a group of old timers who frequented the nearby golf course. But that is a story for a different time. Anyway, the only mode of transportation I really had was a bike but it only had one seat. However, it did have two short metal tubes sticking out from the sides of the bolt at the center of the back wheel. I told her she could stand on those and hold on to me while I drove the cycle. I came up with this because it seemed logical, only I hadn’t factored the whole “hot girl touching a nerd” thing.

We got situated pretty quickly. I got in the seat and planted her feet on the metal tubes. However, the second that she wrapped her arms around my chest, a wave of anxiety mixed with bliss hit me. Her skin was so warm and soft that it made me lose focus and for a moment I was just caught up in the euphoria of the moment. “Uh, Jury? Are we going yet?” She asked. I snapped out of it and tried to say “what? Oh…yeah…yeah…sorry. I lost…focus. Let’s go.” I took off down the road, being careful not to knock Zeta off. The trip was for the most part smooth, even though her being so close to me made me feel nervous and unsure of everything.

We make it all the way to The Beef Barn without any problems. Traction isn’t a very big town so there weren’t a lot of people walking around. I parked the bike on the bike rack and led her inside through the glass double doors. The place itself was very western themed. They seemed to perfectly capture how messy the west was too. Large ketchup stains dotted the walls, scraps of food littering the space under each table and the staff itself was about as well kept as a manure field.  But for some reason there was still a few families sitting at random tables around the place. Zeta didn’t seem to notice how revolting the place looked so she sat down at a nearby empty table. I sat across from her and began to read through the menu.

“So…what do we do?” She asked. “Well, first we have to pick out what we are going to order from the menu. Which is this thing right here. We just read it and pick out what food we would like to eat.” I said. The waiter showed up right on Que. He was about 60 pounds over weight and his face looked like it had been attacked by a swarm of mosquitoes. “What drinks would you like to have?” He asked, his tone conveying nothing but total apathy. “I guess we will both have some Euphoria Max.” I said. He quietly left, and it was back to looking through the menu. Zeta was observing the room and all its many cheap decorations so I took the time to check my phone to see if anybody had text me. First off, you may feel that texting somebody else while on a date isn’t very nice to the date but she didn’t really know what I was doing anyway so this is the exception.

I checked my phone and saw a friend of mine named Quicksilver had texted me, wondering where I was. I texted her back saying that I was at the grocery store because I didn’t want her to know I was on a date. She texted back wondering what store I was at. The waiter came back with a tray holding two glasses of a clear liquid and placed one next to my arm and another on the space on the table in between Zeta’s arms which were both resting on the table’s top. “Wait what is this? We asked for Euphoria Max.” I said. “We don’t have any. This is water. Julie will come by soon to ask you what you want to order for your meal. Thank you.” He said. Then he walked off without saying anything else.

“I think we should have gone to the pizza place. Maybe there the staff members would have at least half a brain.” I said angrily. I went back to texting and Zeta didn’t seem to notice the indifference of the situation. “I think I might check the menu now.” she said. Using her right arm she reached over her left arm and grabbed the menu on the table. However, in doing so, she accidentally knocked over the glass of water onto her left hand.

Immediately, skinny blue fingers of electricity danced across her left arm and a crackling sound rang out in the quiet room. I was, for a lack of a better term, shocked. I had no idea that simple water could do that. Not only did her hand probably not work anymore, everybody in the restaurant was looking in our direction. Oh crap. This is bad. I have to think fast in order to get us out of this one. I thought to myself. I looked down at my phone and said “Ah! My phone! It just short circuited on me!” I guess that was believable enough. Everyone went back to what they were doing and the room was filled with talking once again.

I got up and grabbed Zeta’s right arm, hoping to get her into the bathroom to see the damage. As I was walking towards the boy’s bathroom, I said to myself “what am I thinking?” and changed course. I lead her out the door and into the back lot of the building were there wasn’t anybody but a few rats and some garbage cans. Once we were alone, I said “Are you ok?” She held her arm out which hung motionlessly in the air. “I think so. It just needs to recalibrate.” She said. “What do you mean recalibrate? Do we have to open it up and press a few buttons or something?” I asked. A second later, the fingers on her left hand began to wiggle. “Ok. It’s better now. It just needed a second to turn back on.” She said. I let out an exhausted sigh. “I didn’t realize how much damage a little bit of water can do. We have to be more careful.”

“Ok. Maybe we shouldn’t go to dinner. How able we just skip it and do that other thing that Dr. Passenger said we could.” She said. She must have been referring to the idea of walking around the park. I felt that it might not be such a good idea because there is a pond in the middle of the park and she could easily fall it. However, I didn’t want her to think that I would become overly protective of her just because she couldn’t touch water. So I agreed and led her away from the Beef Barn and down the street towards Houseman Anvil Park which is right in the middle of Traction.

Once we got there, I checked the time. It was nearing seven but not quite there yet. We would have enough time to walk around the park maybe once. The park itself was rather pretty this time of year. The pond was a pretty shade of indigo, the few dotting trees seemed to sway in the soft wind, there were no screaming children or gangster wannabes blaring incredibly loud hip-hop through stereos, the usual. There was a small foot path that circled the entire park so that was where we decided to walk. For a few minutes, Zeta didn’t say anything. Then, once we had passed halfway around the park, she said “how has the date been so far?”

I wasn’t really prepared to answer that. I kind of stumbled to answer it. “The date? This one? I guess….its going well.” I said. “I think its going pretty well too. It seems kind of short though. We totally missed dinner and I really wanted to eat something other then the processed sustenance they keep down in the labs.” She said. “Oh, yeah. Sorry. Maybe we can have another date sometime later. One where I can actually be prepared.” I said. Her eyes lit up with happiness and then she turned to me, saying “Really? You want to go on another date?” Once again, I wasn’t prepared for the question. “Uh…yeah. We can do that. If Dr. Passenger allows it.” I said.

She seemed satisfied with that answer, and continued looking straight ahead at the path. “You know, this is the first time I’ve ever seen the real outside. I mean, Dr. Passenger kind of explain to me what it looked like but to really see it is just so much different. It’s almost….magical. I am so glad that you spent the day with me, Jury.” She said. I didn’t look at her, but I could feel her hand enclose around my own and my heart tightened up a bit. We’re holding hands I said to myself. It gave me an emotion that I had never felt before. I could actually feel Zeta’s happiness as if it was emanating off her body like heat. I myself was feeling pretty good. The moment seemed so wonderful, but then it was ruined by a single voice.

“Hey Jury! Who’s the girl?” Oh no. I recognized the voice. And it didn’t belong to someone who I liked. I turned in the direction of the voice and spotted Hannibal Freight waddling towards me along with his two lackies: Kaine and Odor. At school we use to call Hannibal “The Elephant.” He weighed 300 pounds and 200 of those pounds was pure evil. The other 100 was fried chicken. He had curly rust colored hair and pure white skin along with eyes that make you want to throw up if you look into them for too long. His voice was just as pretty as his face, and his face was as pretty as a lobster that forgot to put on make-up in the morning.

“So, Jury? Who’s the girl? Your cousin?” He asked once he had gotten close enough to us. Zeta looked him up and down and then looked at me with uncertainty. “Hey, Hann look! They’s holdin hands. Is that guy seriously holdin hands with his cousin? Because that’s just weird yo!” Kaine said. “No! For your information, Hannibal, this is my girlfriend. Ok?” I said. All three stared at me open mouthed for like three seconds. Then they bursted out laughing. “Ha! There ain’t no way that that hot piece of ass is your girlfriend! Not even the ugliest girl in the world would date you, Jury!” The Elephant said. “Yeah! And uh…that girl there uh….she too pretty for you!” Odor said.

Zeta looked at me with a look that said what should I do? The Elephant had been bullying me for the past five years and for the most part I could usually take it, but not here. Not in front of Zeta. I summoned the little bit of testosterone that I had and said “Hey, look who’s talking, Hannibal! The only way you could get a girl to touch you is if you were to fall over and crush her!” I said back. Odor let out a little chuckle. Hannibal however didn’t find that funny at all.

He took a step forward, a bit of rage beginning to burn in his bloodshot eyes. “Oh really? Do you really want to call me out, Jury? Do you know what I could do to you?” He asked half rhetorically. “Yo, you could uppercut him man! That’s what I’d do.” Kaine said. He took another step forward and pointed a big meaty finger at Zeta. “I bet she ain’t even your cousin. She’s probably just some hooker that your dad hired to walk around and pretend to be your girlfriend!” He said. “Hey shut up!” I shouted.

He pushed Zeta out of the way and grabbed my arm, twisting it really hard. Pain shot through my arm and into my shoulder almost instantly. Then he began to twist it until I let out a groan of agony. “Really, Jury? How about you make me.” He said. It felt like my skin was going to tear and blood was going to come rushing out of it. I completely forgot what was going on and for a second it was just me and the Elephant. Then, somebody nearby said “Stop that!” It was a loud and unfamiliar to my ears and it startled Hannibal. Hannibal stopped twisting my arms and turned in the direction the voice had come from.

“Hey who said that? Was that you?” He said the Zeta. “Yes. Let go of my boyfriend!” She said. Only she didn’t have the same sweet, friendly voice I had heard before. Her voice was now warped and electronic, like a synthesizer. Hannibal let go out my hand and took a step back. “Whoa. I had no idea that your cousin had a voice like that!” The Elephant said. “I am not Jury’s cousin! I am his girlfriend!” She shouted. Her eyes began to glow white, like the front lights of a jeep. The veins on her neck began to pulse like little blue LED lights. It was then when I remembered what Dr. Passenger had said about keeping her from getting angry. But by now I couldn’t stop her.

Fear lit up in the eyes of Hannibal and his lackeys. The Elephant held up his hands in defense. “Hey, chill! What the heck are you? So kind of monster or something?” He said. She took a step towards him, her hands becoming fists. It was here that Hannibal got so afraid that he called out for his minions. “Odor! Kaine! Take this crazy bitch down!” He yelled. Following their leaders order, both of the numbskulls rushed forward towards Zeta. Zeta turned and back-handed both of them with one swing sending them flying into the bushes.

She then turned towards Hannibal and grabbed him by the shirt, lifting him up in the air. Hannibal was whimpering softly and I wasn’t saying anything at all to stop whatever she was about to do. To be honest, I didn’t really want to stop her. She looked him right in the eyes and whispered “Stay away from Jury.” He nodded slowly, and then she pulled back and threw him a good ten yards straight into the pond. Odor and Kaine got up out of the bushes and stared at us, intense fear splattered across their face. She turned to them and said “You tell no one what has happened here tonight. Or I will do the same to you!” They both looked at each other and then at Zeta. “Whatever man, just don’t do nothin’ bad to us, ya hear?” Kaine said defensibly. “Yeah we ain’t no…uh…uh….we tell nobody!” Odor said.

Zeta stared at them for a long time then she said “Now get out of here!” without any hesitation, the both turned and ran for the hills like they were being chased like wild dogs. On the other side of the pond, Hannibal pulled himself out of the water and ran for the hills to. I had a feeling that he also got the message. Then it was just me and Zeta. The light in her eyes died out and she seemed to calm down. Then she looked at me and a look of guilt crossed her face. “Oh, did I scare you?” She asked. “Uh…yeah. A little. What was that?” I asked.

She scratched the back of her head in thought. “I am not really sure. I guess it was the defense mechanism Dr. Passenger installed. I think it was originally suppose to repel armed assailants of a terrorist level. I am not sure if it was a good idea to use it against a bunch of high schoolers.” She said. “Yeah. Well even though for me it was like watching a horror film, it still worked. And you did save me. So uh…thanks.” I said. She smiled and gave me a hug. Once again, I was lost in her soft touch and warmth. After a moment or two she pulled away and said “The sun is going down. We should probably go to Uncle Kevin’s house now.” I agreed and so we left the park and went straight to my bike which was parked in front of the Beef Barn and rode with her across town to Uncle Kevin’s cottage.

By the time we had gotten to the small, one story house, it was already dark. The drive way was empty however the lantern that hung from a post next to the door had been lit and a faint light was coming through the living room window. We got off the bike and walked up to the door. Once we were standing on the welcome mat, we both turned to each other. “You know, even though I’ve never done this before I still had a really nice time.” She said. “Me neither. But I did to.” I said. “But still, I do know one thing about dating from what Ms. Hawk told me.” She said, leaning a bit closer to me. “Really, what would that be?” I asked leaning in as well.

She didn’t tell me through words, but through actions. She leaned a bit closer and kissed me, right then and there. At that moment, nothing was wrong with the world. It was just me and Zeta together. The moment was sadly interrupted though. In mid kiss, a jolt of electricity ran from her lips to mine and then up my nerves into my brain. It was so powerful and so sudden that I jumped back and hit the ground. She covered her mouth with both hands while surprise and fear lit up in her face. “I’m so sorry!” she said with a gasp.

I jumped back up and grabbed her by the hands saying “No, no! Don’t be upset. That was actually…pretty nice. You could say that that kiss had a bit of a…kick to it.” the soft smile returned to her face. “Thanks, Jury. For making my first day in the world special.” She said. Then we said our goodbyes and she opened up the door, stepping inside and closing it. I turned around and decided to walk home. I would have to ask Quicksilver to get my bike for me in the morning, but for now I felt more like walking. What had started off as me making a sandwich alone in a kitchen turned into a mess of weird, extraordinary events leading up to a kiss with the prettiest girl I had ever met. So I walked home from Uncle Kevin’s house, the entire time thinking about Zeta and what her future held. The possibility of me having the chance to date her again. But that all seemed too far off to think about now.

When I got home, Ezi wasn’t to glad to see me come home late. But I didn’t feel bad about it at all. It was worth it. The sandwich was still on the counter, by the way. I thought about finishing it but I didn’t really feel like it so I headed upstairs. In my room, the t-shirt with the bullet holed lay on the floor next to the closet. I picked it up, folded it the best I could and put it in an empty drawer. After that, I went to sleep, dreaming blissful dreams of Zeta and the time we had shared.

And that was how I got my first kiss.


Thanks, Dr. Passenger.
this is the first story in a line of stories I hope to do about a character called "Dr. Passenger." I was experimenting a little with the idea of a story about the perfect girlfriend with a twist. I hope to do atleast 10 short stories that take place in the same universe with reacurring characters.

the next story: jchrispole.deviantart.com/art/…

-J
© 2013 - 2024 Jchrispole
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witwitch's avatar
Actually, I think "So I was in the kitchen making myself a sandwich" is a stronger start than what you've got. That line carries the narrator's natural voice, and the way it begins with "so" feels like the narrator is jumping the reader straight to the point, and it gives us an idea of what his character is like (casual rather than formal, probably a young person).

Also, when you are writing, dialogue, you need to start a new paragraph every time a different person speaks. This makes it very clear to the reader that a different person is about to start talking, so they don't accidentally start reading the dialogue in character A's voice when character B starts talking in the same paragraph, only to realize their mistake at the end of the dialogue when the whole "said character B" shows up, and then they have to re-read the line and yeah.

Watch out for redundancies like this, "When I got home, Ezi wasn’t to glad to see me come home late."

Why not just "Ezi wasn’t to glad to see me come home late." ? Because that first segment doesn't really tell us anything that the rest of the sentence doesn't.

Anyways, you have a pretty strong voice for your narrator, that's your main strength here. I think you have elements that will attract both male and female readers with the romance angle. And that bit where he gets electrocuted when she kisses him was rather funny. :XD: